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I don’t even know where to begin.

Preston is the beautiful gift that God gave me in late 2010. Before God trusted me with this precious gift, He broke me first. Utterly broke me. Then painstakingly put me back together, piece by piece. Looking back, I wouldn’t wish the pain on my worst enemy. During the pain, I wanted to die. But because of two little boys that called me “mama”, I surrendered instead. My life was in God’s hands.

God took me on beautiful, but bittersweet, journey. I’ve written about that time in other blogs. When my heart was healed and filled with HIM, God gave me Preston. My sweet gentle giant. Then and now.

Preston loved the Lord and made an oath to God to do his best to love me as Christ loves the church. Even in his current state of mind, he honors his vows. I’ve always said that I can look into Preston’s eyes as see a tiny glimpse of God’s love for me staring right back at me.

And boy!, do I love this feller right back. He’s the calm to my chaos. He’s my best friend. The peanut butter to my jelly. Hunter put it best the day Preston adopted him and Chase…. Preston wasn’t there to take their daddy’s place, just to pick up where he left off when he died. 😭.

After Preston got sick 5 years ago, the dynamics of our family changed. Chase and Hunter took their own vows seriously, and love and care for Preston as biological children should. There is no step in our house.

Over the years, Preston and I have realized that blood means nothing. It’s the heart and soul that means everything. We’ve been thrown to the wayside by people we never ever thought would. But even more importantly, we’ve been picked up and loved by complete strangers and acquaintances that God put directly in our paths. Preston and I have debts we can never repay.

In November of 2020, we both contracted COVID. My case was mild, but Preston ended up in ICU for 5 days. Again, I thank God for the friends that reached out and gave us medical advice as soon as we got the diagnosis. I truly believe it may have saved his life.

Since January, there have been 4 additional hospital visits up until just last weeks stay. What we thought was a heart attack ended up being inflammation in the chest cavity, pneumonia and bronchitis. God works in mysterious ways and I can’t help but wonder if he allowed the pain so that the pneumonia could be found earlier in his bad lung. We jokingly wonder when we will start getting frequent flyer miles or at least Preferred Patient Discounts!

Seriously, it’s taken a toll on both of us. I’m worried sick about him. He’s worried about the stress on me. He’s lonely and isolated. I’m stretched thin and I feel like I have to make up for the abandonment he feels from loved ones. I’m bitter as heck at those that I feel have abandoned not just him, but me. Lately, it’s a wound that constantly gets picked at. By me.

By me. Why can’t I leave the wound alone? Jesus loves us and validates it constantly. Why must we search and yearn for something from someone who is incapable of giving it? I’m a glutton for punishment.

All I know is that on this side of heaven, I’ll be Preston’s biggest protector and his biggest cheerleader. I may be tired, overworked, stressed, but one thing is for sure…. My sweet gentle giant is my gift from God and I will try my damnedest to do right by him. Every single day that God puts breathe in me.

If you’re blessed with a marriage, treasure it, nurture it, and prepare for the unseen storms that may lay ahead. Place your trust in God. Don’t be like me…. Don’t pick at the wounds. They have a way of contaminating your soul.

Love ya. Mean it.

The BeanCounter