I had today all planned out.
It’s tax season. Like every other bean counter in the world, it’s the season that we have a love/ hate relationship with. The beans get overwhelming. We lose count of our beans for the 999th time after the 102nd phone call, the 77th text message, and the 325 emails. We won’t even talk about the clients that are waiting to see you. We won’t even talk about the clients that I have that are apparently up at 2:13 am and texting their accountant. It’s chaotic. (If any of my clients are reading this blog tonight, I love ya!😉. I’m talking about my other clients…. not you😂)
Anyway, back to my plan. I got up before the crack of dawn this morning and met my baby boy for breakfast at Leighanne’s, a little landmark diner in our town that has the BEST breakfast. I haven’t seen Hunter much lately even though we live in the same house. Not sure why🤷♀️….. probably has something to do with all y’all’s beans. I’m trying to balance a lot of balls. And before you accuse me of showing favoritism, I’m meeting my oldest boy, Chase, for lunch tomorrow. And my sweet daddy is supposed to let me know if he feels up to lunch on Thursday or Friday.
My plan. (Y’all keep distracting me). After breakfast with Turd 1 this morning, I went into work early, Preston had informed me last night that he and Turd 1 would not be home this evening. They had plans. I’d be on my own.
Hallelujah! Hot diggity dog! I could work late without having to deal with my conscious and that “g” word….. G.U.I.L.T.
At 5:30, my phone pings. I ignore it. At 5:35, my phone rings. I ignore it. After a few minutes, I picked the phone up to see a text message from Hunter that says he’s held up in Sumter in a jobsite and he’s not going to make it back in time to take Preston to the Men’s Ministry tonight. Ok, no problemo. Right? I’ll just return Preston’s call and tell him that he’s not going to be able to go. I’m working, darn it! It’s a 15 minute drive to my house…. another 10 to the church.
That was my modified plan. Until I heard Preston’s defeat before I even spewed all that. I heard the words come out of my mouth before I even knew what I was saying….
“Don’t worry, sweetie. I’m on my way to pick you up and take you.” I went on to tell him that I’d be waiting in the parking lot (for approximately 2 hours), just in case he needs me.
Somewhere between my head and my soul, thankfully my moral compass had flown out of my chest and knocked my selfish, arrogant, self serving, pompous, imaginary crown rightfully off of my head. Now pick your feet up, because I may stomp on a few toes…. including my own.
Marriage ain’t about me, Sugar!
Marriage ain’t about you, Sugar!
It burns my behind to see memes and posts on Facebook stating that “Divorce is okay. Your happiness is more important”. Baloney!! There are countless times that I’m unhappy. Just last night, I was unhappy because Preston’s airsucker left a surprise on the floor…. 2 seconds after I walked in.
We live in a society that thinks that we are numero Uno. It’s all about “me,me,me!”. When it quits feeling good, bail and bail fast! We’re teaching our kids that nothing is worth working hard or fighting for. You really think they have a shot at a successful marriage if mama and daddy call it quits? We’re raising a bunch of quitters.
Marriage is a covenant.
God has blessed some of us with incredible relationships. I used to be envious of many that are probably reading this blog. I’d love for Preston to still be the 1.0 version that he once was and whisk me off on weekend getaways. He’d write the most beautiful poetry just for me. I’d never heard him raise his voice or say a curse word. He had a way of wrapping me in his arms and I’d feel the strength of a man that loved me in ways I’d never been loved.
God has blessed me with an incredible marriage….. and on most days, it doesn’t “feel good”. This 2.0 version has less than a small handful of people that he can depend on to give him any degree of livelihood outside of our home. Some weeks, his biggest delight is me taking him to the grocery store. I’ve seen sides of Preston that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy since his brain injury. He’s bent more walking sticks than I can count. I’ve stayed awake with him night after night when his brain won’t shut down. Our home is his safe place away from all the things that overwhelm him. Some days his anxiety is so bad, that he’s counting his Fritos.
Again, I have an incredible blessing in my sweet Preston. When I look in his eyes, I see God’s love looking back at me. It’s the most beautiful gift in the world.
See, my marriage isn’t about me. It never was. My soulmate’s happiness is more important than my own. I don’t need a crown….. I’ve got a beautiful ring on my finger and God in my heart to remind me constantly of how blessed I am.
I’ll never bail on my marriage…. I choose to stay by his side and count those Fritos one by one!
Until next time,
The Bean Counter
I feel the agony w Preston’s brain not shutting down, I also fight this but.. I have found this sleepytime tea that so works. When Joe is at home i just go to another room so I don’t wake him, so when he gets home this time I want have to. If he can’t sleep he goes to another room. It’s the little things that count. I love reading your life moments, God bless you and Preston💓