Lord, help me!

IMG_5991When I started this blog, I did it for two reasons.  One of them is for pure selfishness. The first reason is becuase God has been so great to me and my family.  I’ve witnessed His love directly and indirectly so many times.  I love sharing those stories. Many people can glance at my life and see the target words death, widow, murder, remarriage, sickness.  Then the pity train rolls in.  I don’t want your pity.  God was by me every step of the way and the journey has been nothing short of faith building.

The second, and selfish,  reason for sharing on blog is for me to have a release and a way to be real.  A safe place for God to be glorified, yet my struggles be genuine.  I don’t necessarily have a spouse like many of you do to share “everything” with.  Many times I put on that happy face around him.  To protect him. I don’t want his anxiety levels rising and him worrying.  Things like this can  create a dominoe effect in the household that is not pretty. Therfore, I blog. I vent to my computer screen.

Some people turn to a glass of wine, or maybe a Xanax bottle….. I turn to blogging.  Most of the time, it gives me the release I need while reminding me just how great God is.

For the past week, I’ve found myself in a place where I don’t want to blog. I don’t like people.  I’m sure it’s just me being on a heightened sense of alert, but it sure seems that I’ve heard nothing  but one story after another about how  “bad” peoples lives are. The world is ending because Johnny’s brothers nephew’s wife left him. Billy can’t pay his power bill.  Susie has an ingrown toenail that has her with one foot in the grave.  Jeff and Joan owe money on their tax return. Barbara is mad that her husband didn’t cut the grass. Life is over for these people.

I’m human.  I want to scream!  The nephew’s wife wouldn’t have left him if he wouldn’t have been messing with his 3rd cousin’s wife!  BIlly could get off his butt get a job and pay his power bill instead of wanting a handout. Susie?? I watched a handicap older lady take 30 minutes to walk out the grocery store door to her car.  She had to stop every few seconds and breathe.  Like the turtle, she never gave up.  By the time she made it to her car, she was literally having to hold on to her car for support. And the Susie’s of the world complain about little tiny molehills in their lives? Jeff and Joan.  I want to scream at them to be thankful they have taxes to pay!  It means you had income.  We owe A couple thousand ourselves.  But it’s not the end of my world. I’ll pick up cans, get a second job.  And do it with a grateful heart that I’m able.

I have a client that has terminal cancer. Sometimes he comes in my office struggling to breathe and can hardly turn his head becuase the lymph nodes in his neck are so swollen. He comes in with a grateful heart, a smile on his face, and peace in his soul. For him, he says it’s a win-win situation.  I want to be like him.

I try very hard to be a light.  Sometimes,  the darkness of people and this world threatens my flame.  But I pray that it will always shine. I know that I’m lacking in the empathy and compassion department right now, and it’s a project that God and I are working on.

I wonder if  I was that ungrateful before all the trials we’ve endured.  I’m sure I was.  I thank God for opening my eyes and changing me.

I’m sorry if I stepped on any toes.  It wasn’t intentional.  This is my blog and a way for me to release my emotions.  It’s all about me on this one…..

 

 

 

 

 

4 thoughts on “Lord, help me!

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